I saw Twilight…

Posted in Uncategorized by nanshi on November 26, 2008

…the movie.

No I’m not kidding. But in case you are unaware of my less-than-glowing feelings towards the Twilight series (practically a franchise now), I’ll direct you to… all my posts concerning Twilight: Twilight review, Breaking Dawn review, Robert Pattinson as Edward Cullen (?!).

So yeah, I went with my friends to see the movie. And boy-oh-boy was it one heckuva lollercoaster ride. We left after the vampire baseball scene and apparently missed the “best part of the film?” I dunno. All I know is that I couldn’t stand the cheesiness anymore and that my friend was laughing so hard (and being asked to be quiet repeatedly) that I’m pretty sure if we stayed until the end of the film…. our party would’ve left minus one person.

It really was that bad of a film. And I’m not saying that because I don’t like the books, because, remember: I had optimistic expectations of the film. I’m saying that because it really was that bad. The acting was wooden and stiff and the direction was shifty. The majority of the supporting cast, I liked. Except for Carlisle. I’m sorry, but everyone else’s paleness was convincing, but he…? He just looked like someone who put on some white-face over his man-tan.

Kristen Stewart needs to be taken somewhere and beaten over the head with an acting-skill stick ’cause she has none. I’ve never seen a girl act more woodenly or be more self-posessed. I am refusing to comment on the plot because that cannot be blamed on the screenwriters or the production crew because everything that happened was practically verbatim as occurred in the book and almost everything could’ve been a direct [cheesy] quote from the book. So, whatever.

Robert Pattinson… My friends made an adequate observation at the end of the film. The poor boy just did not know what he was getting himself into. Usually, most A-list actors will at least get a copy of a script to look over before they agree to do a film. Pattinson, I think, is probably a firm B-list actor. After all, he hasn’t really appeared as anything major except for the Harry Potter films… which he subsequently dies in after only two brief appearances. Plus, it’s not hard to play Cedric Diggory… it’s not like he’s a deep soul-searching and fascinating character that requires loads of depth and preparation. But anyways, Pattinson was probably just told the gist of the character and the story and thought it would be interesting and agreed to sign on. I’m not very acute when it comes to these things (so you can tell it’s bad if I notice that it’s bad), but my friends all commented that it basically looked like every scene that Pattinson was doing seemed forced and unnatural because he really hated every minute of it. Which I can see. For his sake, I hope he gets out of the sequels, because first off: there are a few actors out there that I think are better qualified to play Edward Cullen and second… the poor boy needs a break. Have you read crazy fan accounts of girls going up to him and asking him to bite them? I mean, hello therapy!

But finally… the main hope I had for this film was that the two leads would have enough acting skills to be able to rise to the challenge of Edward & Bella and be able to generate some chemistry that my non-teenage-fangirl mind can’t seem to fabricate. Maybe Stephanie Meyer is just that bad when it comes to using descriptive monikers, but… I never felt an ounce of chemistry between the two. And I have a pretty active imagination; so either I don’t have the imagination of a dedicated fangirl or she sucks at describing things. Probably a bit of both, really.

So yes, there was no chemistry. Lots of [weird?] closeups of the main leads lips (really, no joke), but no chemistry. Like at all. I don’t know if it was because Pattinson couldn’t generate any or Stewart couldn’t generate any… but it just… wasn’t there. When I’m talking about chemistry, I’m talking about, like: Sandra Oh & Kevin McKidd on Grey’s Anatomy, Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie in Mr.&Mrs. Smith, Kate Beckinsdale & Scott Speedman in Underworld, James Bond & Bond-girls, etc. Y’know… heat. But instead, all I got were lukewarm glances and… weird glares? I don’t even know how to describe it. All I know is that if all I had to do was to glower and peer at you from beneath my prominent browbone and everyone would find me mysterious and gorgeous and attractive…? Heck, I’d do it too, lol.

Plus, one of the most bewildering scenes was the scene where Bella is running a Google search about vampires and the Quileute legend, and she runs across all these things and she’s like, “…vampire.” The very obvious fact that vampires aren’t real apparently never seems to drop itself in this canon at all. Even though it appears in just about every other vampire fiction there is out there. Buffy the Vampire Slayer included because the OTHER non-Buffy people also don’t believe that vampires exist either. I mean… mess up the canonical context of vampires that authors have stuck to for centuries, fine. But don’t take disbelief completely out of the picture! This is such fluffy fanfiction that I can’t believe why people are still into it.

Slap the label AU (Alternate Universe) [your-fandom-of-choice] into the context of Twilight, and you have, basically every generic teenage fanfiction every written. AU Harry Potter? Yeah, if Harry or Draco was a vampire and Hermione was Bella. AU Dragonball Z? Vegeta as a broody vampire and Bulma as Bella. AU Naruto? HELLLLOOOOOO?! Sasuke as vampire, Sakura (or your generic Mary Sue) as Bella. I mean, it doesn’t get more obvious than this.

But yes: lack of chemistry really made this fail. I believe, had they cast this to actors that are actually able to convincingly… act: the movie would been 100x more enjoyable. I would’ve been able to feel the sexual tension and the neediness. Instead, if it wasn’t verbalized, it was attempted at by closeups or teeth biting lips or furrowed brows. Bella barely smiled, at all, in this film. They were really good at looking frustrated, disgrunted, and irritated… but very little else.

Shoddy acting, crappy direction, awkward timing, and most of all: A HORRIBLE BOOK IN THE FIRST PLACE gives this movie a strict 1.5 stars out of 5.

I never walk out of movies. I did this time.


One Response to 'I saw Twilight…'

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  1. ROb said,

    Wouldnt Naruto be Bella in the Naruto AU example?


    *puts hair up and glowers*

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